Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.