Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My kitchen overserved me.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x