Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MavenofHonor

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

@Amanisnotadoor

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@bellicosejason

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

@Fred_Delicious

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@jctwritesstuff

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

@

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@dumbbeezie

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

@the_anastasia

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.