found my next D&D character name
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me opening up to someone
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.