found my next D&D character name
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Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..