Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.