Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
This classic never gets old . . .