found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My dating profile:
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
dam girl
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.