Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.