Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
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My Plans 2020
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him