Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory