Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Aaaa…CHOO!
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
huge if true: the moon
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…