Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.