Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.