Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Ah..makes sense now
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
My god she’s good.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
love pickles so much i put myself in one
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
birds and squirrels envy us