Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did