fourth time’s the charm
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
These aliens are taking forever.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.