Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
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[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.