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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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