Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
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Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Life is a suicide mission.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby