@KattsDogma DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
@stevevsninjas Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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@KattsDogma 
@sageboggs My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
@ParanoidParker When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
@BannedChief 
@GlennyRodge Twitter dot com. *sigh*
@GoodZiIIa [after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
@envydatropic Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
@DebraTheWigLady The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
@JLazySAngus Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
@Alex_LaVallee Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.