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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.