[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today