Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
she has a point
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Breaking news:
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.