Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN