Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH