frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.