[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart