[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.