Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Gemma Correll