Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever