Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is