Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.