fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.


When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.


WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish


My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.


6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream


When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother


When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.


I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.