@ghostkrogh

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

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@Jenny4ashley

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

@AngieDavisHaha

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

@girl_a_whirl

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

@mommajessiec

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

@DaddyJew

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

@sa1martha

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

@954LeenO

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

@DevilryFun

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.