fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?