fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
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Me redecorating every room in my mind
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice