FRED: right
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.