Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
You Might Also Like
#oldknees
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.