– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
You Might Also Like
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
shut up and take my money
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“TGIM!” – My liver
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw