Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea


ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows


My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.


My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?


The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.


flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:


Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*


Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”