[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Well, this explains it:
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.