Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Basically.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.