Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV