free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
You Might Also Like
I don鈥檛 think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i鈥檓 so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
It鈥檚 not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It鈥檚 like you can鈥檛 even enjoy your own joy.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Not to brag but I don鈥檛 need alcohol to do something stupid.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It鈥檚 late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there鈥檚 a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don鈥檛 come down here