Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
i really liked this one
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
😅😅😅
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done