Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Happy thanksgiving!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no