freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.