Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine