Friday night party time 馃コ
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Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Never forget.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Based on the week鈥檚 events , I鈥檇 say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Make someone鈥檚 head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99