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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.