Friday
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you