fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
She puts the hot in psychotic
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
The asteroid..
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.