Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop