Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!