Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
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I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals