Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
This came to me in a dream.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.